BCF • Secrets for a Healthy Sex Life (part 2) Interview with Sex Therapist Alexandra Katehakis MFT Clinical Director of The Center for Healthy Sex Author of the book: "Erotic Intelligence" By: Margo Hudson

Secrets for a Healthy Sex Life (part 2)
Interview with Sex Therapist Alexandra Katehakis MFT
Clinical Director of The Center for Healthy Sex
Author of the book: "Erotic Intelligence"
By: Margo Hudson

Sex! People are definitely having it, but it's not an openly discussed topic for many... not even with the one they're having it with! I believe that the inability or unwillingness to feel free enough to communicate about sex or anything else with your partner destroys the opportunity for real love, intimacy and connection to grow in and out of the bedroom.

In part two of this very special interview with Alexandra Katehakis, we'll explore deeper into the physical side of sex and learn tools we can use to empower ourselves and our sexual relationships. A healthy sex life is the result of a healthy relationship with ourselves first, then secondly how we relate to our partners. May you all take away something that puts you on the road to increasing the quality of your love making experiences for life.

Margo:  What factors contribute to a womans inability to experience orgasms and what steps can a woman take to began experiencing them?

Alex:  This is a common problem. First, an orgasm is nothing but a big muscle spasm! Largely it's about being able to give up control and relax one's body and stay present in enjoying pleasure. Many women don't feel entitled to experiencing the pleasure in their bodies. They have hang-ups about how their bodies look, taste and smell. So there's lots of anxiety and tension internally, instead of saying: "I'm good enough as I am and whether my partner likes it or not, is up to them to decide." "I'm not going to worry about it right now...I'm going to enjoy myself."

Another big factor is that many women aren't breathing during sex. And when you don't breathe, you can't orgasm! Imagine taking a breath right now, even as were talking, and inhaling down into your pelvis. Into your vaginal canal. You're going to have a very different experience than if you were breathing up into your chest. Because all of that oxygen is going into the vascular system of the vaginal canal. It's about blood flow, the reason men take Viagra! Pelvic breathing increases blood flow, and that's how we relax our bodies. This is how orgasm in part happens.

Orgasm Tips:

1. Get out of your head! Stop thinking about whether you're okay or not.

2. Pay attention to the connection between you and your partner. Are you making eye contact? Are you talking? Are you saying, "I love You.".. or "that feels good." Express anything arousing to the two of you as a couple. Is there feedback happening that's relational, as opposed to some sort of pornographic scene that's going on in your mind because you're trying to orgasm, and it has nothing to do with the person you're with.

3. Notice what's happening between your ears. What's happening between the two of you? Are you present with your partner or thinking about the laundry you'll do later? Are you present with the sensations in your body, allowing the full spectrum of pleasure? What does it feel like to be touched, in the way you're being touched? Are you breathing?

Margo:  What factors contribute to erectile dysfunction and rapid ejaculation in men and what can be done to begin healing these conditions?

Alex:  Well, a lot of men have anxiety also. Erectile dysfunction and rapid ejaculation are both problems with anxiety. Men put pressure on themselves about performance, and it becomes almost like a race that they must finish. It's becomes all about the intercourse and ejaculation as opposed to the process of connection, curiosity, touching, tasting, getting to know your bodies. Also your body in relation to your partner's body. All bodies aren't created the same even though they all generally look the same.

For men It's about slowing down. Women appreciate it when men slow down, because that allows for the experience of the touch, and sound. What is it like to whisper into one another's ears? That's a very arousing and erotic process. What is it like to kiss slowly? To taste.. to breathe? Certainly touch is a component of sexuality. If we can stop thinking about sex as orgasms and intercourse, there's a whole world that occurs. Also It's shocking how many men think that they are responsible for their partners orgasms. One thing men and women have to get straight in their heads is that, we're not responsible for one another's orgasms. Each person is responsible for their own orgasms and that's about being a grown-up.
Men and breathing: Premature ejaculation comes from anxiety. Men should Breathe, Slow Down and not be so anxious about pleasing their partners.

Margo:  Is it important to share our fantasies with our partners?

Alex:  Sharing our fantasies makes us more vulnerable, and requires people really deal with what's true for them. If you reveal your fantasy to your partner and they really reveal their's to you. That's vulnerable and can be highly erotic. Typically, people don't tell their partners their fantasies. For example: Fearing that if you're uptight about what I'm telling you, your tendency could be to shame me, as opposed to saying, "why am I up tight about that?" So if it makes me uncomfortable, considering how freaky it is, I have to look at my discomfort and challenge myself to grow as a sexual being. People sometimes do crazy stuff without anybody knowing, but when it comes down to sex with their partners, they reveal nothing. So the sex gets boring fast. I think fantasy's great when it includes the two people having sex* Role-play can be fun for couples, as long as they keep the emotional connection going, and it's not just about performance.

Margo:  Alex, what an informative conversation! Thanks again for sharing with me and the readers at BCF!

Alex:  Thanks Margo, it was my pleasure!

Resources:
+ Alexandra Katehakis, MFT
   The Center for Healthy Sex
   http://www.eroticintelligencebook.com
http://www.thecenterforhealthysex.com
+ Certified Sex Therapists:
   The American Association Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists
   ASECT.org
+ Certified Sex Addiction therapist:
   IITAP.com




	Secrets for a Healthy Sex Life (part 2) Interview with Sex Therapist Alexandra Katehakis MFT Clinical Director of The Center for Healthy Sex Author of the book: "Erotic Intelligence" By: Margo Hudson Sex! People are definitely having it, but it's not an openly discussed topic for many... not even with the one they're having it with! I believe that the inability or unwillingness to feel free enough to communicate about sex or anything else with your partner destroys the opportunity for real love, intimacy and connection to grow in and out of the bedroom. In part two of this very special interview with Alexandra Katehakis, we'll explore deeper into the physical side of sex and learn tools we can use to empower ourselves and our sexual relationships. A healthy sex life is the result of a healthy relationship with ourselves first, then secondly how we relate to our partners. May you all take away something that puts you on the road to increasing the quality of your love making experiences for life. Margo: What factors contribute to a womans inability to experience orgasms and what steps can a woman take to began experiencing them? Alex: This is a common problem. First, an orgasm is nothing but a big muscle spasm! Largely it's about being able to give up control and relax one's body and stay present in enjoying pleasure. Many women don't feel entitled to experiencing the pleasure in their bodies. They have hang-ups about how their bodies look, taste and smell. So there's lots of anxiety and tension internally, instead of saying: "I'm good enough as I am and whether my partner likes it or not, is up to them to decide." "I'm not going to worry about it right now...I'm going to enjoy myself." Another big factor is that many women aren't breathing during sex. And when you don't breathe, you can't orgasm! Imagine taking a breath right now, even as were talking, and inhaling down into your pelvis. Into your vaginal canal. You're going to have a very different experience than if you were breathing up into your chest. Because all of that oxygen is going into the vascular system of the vaginal canal. It's about blood flow, the reason men take Viagra! Pelvic breathing increases blood flow, and that's how we relax our bodies. This is how orgasm in part happens. Orgasm Tips: 1. Get out of your head! Stop thinking about whether you're okay or not. 2. Pay attention to the connection between you and your partner. Are you making eye contact? Are you talking? Are you saying, "I love You.".. or "that feels good." Express anything arousing to the two of you as a couple. Is there feedback happening that's relational, as opposed to some sort of pornographic scene that's going on in your mind because you're trying to orgasm, and it has nothing to do with the person you're with. 3. Notice what's happening between your ears. What's happening between the two of you? Are you present with your partner or thinking about the laundry you'll do later? Are you present with the sensations in your body, allowing the full spectrum of pleasure? What does it feel like to be touched, in the way you're being touched? Are you breathing? Margo: What factors contribute to erectile dysfunction and rapid ejaculation in men and what can be done to begin healing these conditions? Alex: Well, a lot of men have anxiety also. Erectile dysfunction and rapid ejaculation are both problems with anxiety. Men put pressure on themselves about performance, and it becomes almost like a race that they must finish. It's becomes all about the intercourse and ejaculation as opposed to the process of connection, curiosity, touching, tasting, getting to know your bodies. Also your body in relation to your partner's body. All bodies aren't created the same even though they all generally look the same. For men It's about slowing down. Women appreciate it when men slow down, because that allows for the experience of the touch, and sound. What is it like to whisper into one another's ears? That's a very arousing and erotic process. What is it like to kiss slowly? To taste.. to breathe? Certainly touch is a component of sexuality. If we can stop thinking about sex as orgasms and intercourse, there's a whole world that occurs. Also It's shocking how many men think that they are responsible for their partners orgasms. One thing men and women have to get straight in their heads is that, we're not responsible for one another's orgasms. Each person is responsible for their own orgasms and that's about being a grown-up. Men and breathing: Premature ejaculation comes from anxiety. Men should Breathe, Slow Down and not be so anxious about pleasing their partners. Margo: Is it important to share our fantasies with our partners? Alex: Sharing our fantasies makes us more vulnerable, and requires people really deal with what's true for them. If you reveal your fantasy to your partner and they really reveal their's to you. That's vulnerable and can be highly erotic. Typically, people don't tell their partners their fantasies. For example: Fearing that if you're uptight about what I'm telling you, your tendency could be to shame me, as opposed to saying, "why am I up tight about that?" So if it makes me uncomfortable, considering how freaky it is, I have to look at my discomfort and challenge myself to grow as a sexual being. People sometimes do crazy stuff without anybody knowing, but when it comes down to sex with their partners, they reveal nothing. So the sex gets boring fast. I think fantasy's great when it includes the two people having sex* Role-play can be fun for couples, as long as they keep the emotional connection going, and it's not just about performance. Margo: Alex, what an informative conversation! Thanks again for sharing with me and the readers at BCF! Alex: Thanks Margo, it was my pleasure! Resources: + Alexandra Katehakis, MFT The Center for Healthy Sex http://www.eroticintelligencebook.com http://www.thecenterforhealthysex.com + Certified Sex Therapists: The American Association Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists ASECT.org + Certified Sex Addiction therapist: IITAP.com
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